my phone needs a breathalizer
I met the friendliest cop last night
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
