Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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