Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
