You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
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I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
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I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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