Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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