walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
