nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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