i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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