I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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