Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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