The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
