Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
