i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I still have a little drunk in my system
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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