dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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