I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
