my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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