Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
