Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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