we have pet lesbian snakes
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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