all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's shark week go big or go home
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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