I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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