you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
