My friends, they love my intelligence
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just blew my weed a kiss
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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