Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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