KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
