if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
