I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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