Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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