he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
