I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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