Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
