Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
