I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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