a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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