yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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