good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
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I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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