So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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