Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
