Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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