My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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