Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
