she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
