I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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