i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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