I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize