someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
