i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
