is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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