i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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