My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
nutella sex= disaster
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
