I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
