So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
