Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
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I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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