Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
BRING THE BAGELS
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
