It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
