My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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