So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
