Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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