Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
